oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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