Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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