we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
