Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
