Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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