wake up i wanna do it froggy style
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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