final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize