1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
