awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
