drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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