You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Couch. On fire.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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