id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
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If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
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also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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