I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
