1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
