I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
