You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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