Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
