i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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