If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
