i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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