I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
