It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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