I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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