he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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