Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
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as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
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It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
we're so committed to being not committed
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.