If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.