i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
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I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
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Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"