apparently the secret to your success is patron
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
