Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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