i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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