i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
