dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
