Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
