Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
