my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
