she was so not down for the gang bang
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
