I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
