he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
