I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
