Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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