I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
