Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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