I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
