Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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