my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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