Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
