I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
