I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
