he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
