I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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