Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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