apparently the secret to your success is patron
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
