I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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