I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize