i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
