So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
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Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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