my vag is so smooth its legendary
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
