I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
