You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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