heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
