Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We're too hungover to prance.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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