zippers are such a cool invention
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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